How to Tell Your Partner You Get Migraines—and Why Their Response Really Matters

You’ve met someone new and things are going well. But if you live with migraine, how should you talk to your romantic partner about your condition?

Migraine is a common neurological disease, and it can bring a host of debilitating symptoms, including fatigue, nausea, mood changes, painful headaches, and sensitivity to light or sound.

Migraine episodes can also negatively affect your work, health, and all kinds of relationships, including romantic ones.

But that doesn’t mean your love life is doomed—though migraine may add strain to a relationship, the right partner can be a source of support that you find only through sharing your diagnosis.

“The goal of talking about migraine is to assess whether your partner is worthy of your time and energy, and part of that worthiness is understanding if they will be supportive in helping you when you need it,” Elizabeth Seng, PhD, professor of psychology at Yeshiva University and professor of neurology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, told Health.

So, what’s the best way to have that conversation with a partner, and what should you look for in your partner’s reaction? Here’s what experts had to say.

In terms of timing, there isn’t a hard-and-fast rule about when you should share your migraine experience with someone, Nathan Feiles, LCSW-R, an integrative psychotherapist based in New York City, told Health.

Some people feel better talking about their condition right away because it’s a significant part of their life. Others prefer to wait until they’re actually experiencing a migraine to share.

“It’s complicated because some have found that if the conversation is opened too soon, it may undercut the ability for the relationship to get on its feet,” Feiles said.

When you’re deciding when to tell your partner, consider when you want to know what their reaction to the news might be, Seng recommended. If it’s something you’re not particularly concerned about, you may want to wait. But if you’re curious now, it’s likely better to bring it up sooner rather than later.

When you do decide to broach the subject, talk about migraine just as you would any other chronic disease that needs routine management, Seng said.

Explain that migraine is a disease that can affect the entire body, and talk about what an attack is like for you, Kylie Gagan, RN, director of education at the Association of Migraine Disorders, told Health.

It’s also important to set expectations around canceling plans, so that your partner understands that it’s not your fault if you have to reschedule a date last minute, Gagan explained.

There’s no need to share a play-by-play of all your past experiences with migraine, however, if you don’t want to, Seng said. If you’ve opened up but don’t want to share more, it’s OK to say that too, Gagan added.

“Just letting your partner know where you’re at builds trust and sets healthy boundaries,” she said.

Once you’ve discussed what your migraine attacks look like, tell your partner what kind of support you might need from them as you manage future episodes, Seng advised.

“Step back and see how they react,” she said. “The goal is to understand if you have a match with someone who will be a supportive partner, or if they are unwilling or incapable of providing support in a relationship.”

Your first migraine attack after talking through your diagnosis with your partner gives you the chance to see their reaction, Seng said.

If you’re forced to cancel plans, you should hope to receive an empathetic answer. “If they aren’t immediately compassionate, they are more concerned with their schedule than your comfort,” she explained.

It might also be a good idea to discuss your experience with migraine again after your partner has had a chance to see you go through an episode, Feilies added. “It may be hard for someone to fully grasp the words without the experience,” he said.

Though you’ll likely receive compassion and more questions from your partner after experiencing a migraine episode, that may not always be the case.

If your partner doesn’t seem to understand what you’re going through, try sharing more educational resources with them, Gagan advised.

Also, be honest and tell them if their reaction is making you feel dismissed. Your partner may not realize their actions are having a negative effect on you, she added.

But if further conversation doesn’t help and your partner still isn’t supporting you, that could be a bad sign, Seng said.

“If you are telling your partner that something is real, and they don’t believe you, that is a huge red flag,” she said. “Being believed is an essential component to a relationship.”

Failing to be mindful of your migraine triggers and planning dates in places with bright lights or strong scents, for example, may show that they’re not willing to adapt, Gagan said. In that case, you may want to reconsider whether you’d like to continue the relationship, she said.

“When you see how they respond to your migraine disease, you are getting a glimpse of how they will support you in all of the things life throws at us,” Seng added.